Unfortunately (or at least so it seems), like all mountain top experiences, I had to come down off the mountain. Very few if any of us can actually live on the mountain of these powerful encounters with Christ...and I am not sure we are supposed to. Our faith needs to be tested...and strengthened...if it is to survive...if it is to carry us to Eternity. And as anyone who has had such an experience knows...it is easy to believe on the mountain.
And so here I am...nearly eight weeks into my 4th day (as the Cursillo movement refers to it)...and I can feel the world creeping back in...slipping between all that I learned and realized on that incredible weekend...and pushing it a bit farther away from my mind. I am finding all my radically ideas and "crazy" promises to God about my life are becoming more practical...more "realistic." I am realizing I can't really do "that" and maybe "this" isn't really what God was calling me to do. In other words...I'm losing my nerve. Like a steady dose of Novocaine, the world...and every day life...is dulling the fire and passion and inspiration I brought back with me from my Cursillo weekend. But thank God...I read today's Scripture readings.
Yet I hold this against you:That's what is happening...I am losing the love...the inspiration...the passion...I had at first after my retreat. And maybe I'm not losing it so much...as Satan is trying to steal it (John 10:10). Either way, I need to wake up and remember. I need to remind myself of the certainty of my weekend experience. When the world was held away, I could hear God so much better. That only makes sense. And so why should I doubt what I heard? Why should I question the decisions I made? Yes...they may not seem uncomfortable...or impractical...now that I am face-to-face with the world again. But that's the point right? Jesus came to transform...to transform us...to transform me...and to transform the world. That can't happen if we all stay the same...in the same patterns...with the same "concerns" and preoccupations about what the world will think of me.
you have lost the love you had at first.
Realize how far you have fallen.
Repent, and do the works you did at first. (Revelation 2:4-5)
There's this fantastic country song, Love Like Crazy, that I think captures the heart of what I feel God is saying to me. While certainly a love song, the underlying message is that when you think about it...love is crazy. It's such a radical idea...to deliberately and completely pour yourself out for someone else...to sacrifice your own wants and desires for someone else. But that's what love is...that is how it survives...and grows...and flourishes. So no wonder the things God asks of us on our mountain top experiences...on our retreats...and in our God moments...sounds so crazy when we come back down...this world needs that kind of crazy. Many thought Jesus was crazy. He continually pushed the acceptable beliefs people held until they became radical, life-changing beliefs. And the world will never be the same.
So I get it...I hear you, God. I need to hold on to those truths you showed me. I need to rekindle the passion you set aflame in me. I need to recall the conviction you stirred in me. And as the song says...I need to "never let your praying knees get lazy." But most of all...I need to not be afraid to follow You...to love You...to love You like crazy!