I have a hard time praying. Or at least I have a hard time making time to pray. And no wonder it's hard...if the only way I think I will have time is by "making" time. Not sure anyone has figured out how to do that yet. I guess it is more accurate to say that there doesn't seem to be enough time....with all the other things I have to do. Despite my best intentions, it seems there is always something pressing that I "have" to do right at the time I've earmarked for prayer. And on one level, these other things are important...things like work, household chores, spending time with family, etc. But on the other hand, if I truly believe that prayer is talking to the very Creator of the universe...and more importantly that prayer is actually a conversation where the very creator of the universe talks to me...then how can anything be more important?
No...I think the truth...the real truth...is not that there isn't enough time, but rather that I choose to use my time for other things. And once I recognize that....I just think...what the heck is wrong with me? Why would I not choose to spend time with God...my Creator...my Savior...my Father?
Now I do talk to God a fair amount, I think. Slowly over the years, and largely unconsciously, I have redirected my natural tendency to talk to myself so that I address Him instead. So throughout the day I say things in my head (and sometimes out loud) to God. Things like: "Wow I blew that one, God" or "Thanks for that God" or "Please help me figure this out" or "Father please be with that person." And I am thankful for this...really I am. It feels good to have Him so close...or rather to recognize He IS so close. But I don't want to use this as a copout for not doing the harder more serious type of prayer. I've heard people almost boast about this type of prayer....where they don't have a prayer time...they just are always talking to God. And I certainly don't want to presume to know the hearts of these people...and certainly Brother Lawrence has shown us that such constant communication with God is not only possible, but obtainable by us all. So again it is a wonderful thing if you can develop this constant prayer stream in your life. BUT, I think there is a fundamental problem with my "talking to myself" version of prayer. The conversation goes only one way.
I mean it's obvious, but I so easily forget it....or maybe I intentionally dodge it. But any real relationship needs communication to flow in both directions. And that's certainly what God desires...He wants a relationship with us. And so it isn't enough that He hears us....but we have to hear Him too. And actually, I think most would agree that we probably need to hear Him more than He needs to hear us.
And maybe that is at the heart of my problem....of why I "choose" to do other things instead of carving out a few minutes to stop and just pray. I have no doubt that if I stop long enough to get quiet....to clear my mind as best I can...and to just listen to God speaking in me...in my soul...there will likely be some hard things to hear. I am sure there will be conviction...for so many of the sins that I gloss over and try to ignore...and guilt...for we need to feel the sadness and regret of our sin in order to propel ourselves toward repentance. And let's be honest...who wants to hear that? But aside from the fact that I NEED to hear those things...if I hide or even run from that encounter with God...if I plug my ears to His voice...then I'll also miss His words of Love...and Forgiveness...and Acceptance. I'll miss out on His Guidance...on His Wisdom. I'll miss out on the very thing that I was created to experience...communion with God. In short, if I don't take time...deliberate...focused...uninterrupted time...to pray to...and hear God...then I will miss out. And I am missing out!
But it's hard to be quiet...it's hard to stop. There is so much going on all the time. But I need to stop myself physically...and I need to stop myself mentally (which is often the bigger battle). Because what I'm missing when I don't pray is far too important. In fact, one could say it's everything!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Hooked on a Feeling
If I'm honest with myself, I tend to judge how close I am to God...or how healthy my relationship is with God...by how I feel. Do I feel close to Him? Do I feel His presence in some way? And the same goes for prayer. In my mind I had some good prayer time if I come away feeling good...feeling happy that I accomplished something spiritual or feeling like I was praying for the right stuff or saying the right things. But recently God has been showing me that this is the wrong measure. Faith is about things unseen...AND things unfelt.
For better or worse (and often for worse), our feelings are easily manipulated. They come and go and are tossed about like a buoy on the ocean. I mean just think of how easily a good mood can disappear. Imagine you wake up feeling good about the day...glad to be alive...with thanksgiving for all your blessings just rolling off your tongue. Then imagine you get in your car and head for work. Someone cuts you off on the highway, you jerk your car to avoid an accident and your coffee splashes over the edge and gets all over your cup holder and surrounding console. Then, when you finally get to work, the closest available parking place is all the way at the end of the parking lot....and it's already over 90 degrees outside. On the way into your office you say to yourself...well this is starting out to be a crappy day...and presto...you are in a bad mood.
Maybe that example seems a bit contrived, but haven't we all experienced how quickly we can switch from happy to mad? Or flipping it around...haven't we all experienced the power of an unexpected and heartfelt compliment to brighten our mood..and maybe even make our whole day better?
The point is that our feelings are molded and shaped, pushed and pulled, enhanced and diminished by a variety of unending influences....and THAT makes them unreliable. Are you any less blessed because someone cuts you off while driving or because you spill coffee in your car? Are you not the same person with the same appearance and the same talents regardless of whether someone unexpectedly compliments you?
The truth is feelings are good...and they can be helpful...but they are not the end goal. We want to be healthy...not just feel good. We want to be secure...not just feel safe. We want to be loved (by someone's actions)...not just feel loved. Feelings are a bonus...they are a byproduct...a happy consequence...but they are not what we really desire...or at least not what we really should desire.
And this applies to our relationship with God. Of course we want to feel close to God...we want to feel His love. But ultimately isn't the most important thing that we actually are close to Him...regardless of whether we feel it or not? And isn't the ultimate gift that He does love us....regardless of whether we feel that love at any particular moment in time? As one of my favorite authors asked so pointedly: Would you rather say a prayer that pleases you or that pleases God? The answer is, I expect, obvious to all of us.
But of course this is all nice in theory...the challenge comes putting it into practice. Believe me...I know! I find it terribly difficult to pray when my mind is wanting to wander and I keep getting distracted by random, often insignificant, thoughts. I really struggle with how to push through these moments...or periods...of seemingly dry...ineffective...unrewarding prayer. What's the point...I ask myself. How is this doing anyone any good...myself or God? But I'm realizing that is exactly what the Enemy wants me to think. He wants me focused on the feelings. He wants me focused on the gift...not the giver. He wants me to re-write Scripture (just like it did for Eve in the Garden of Eden) and conclude that faith is the assurance of things received and the conviction of feelings I have felt. And so I have to force myself to remember the truth:
If I truly believe in God...if I truly trust Him...then my feelings shouldn't matter. After all, He tells us that if we pray...He hears us (1 John 5:14). He explicitly asks us to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). He both tells us and shows us that He loves us (John 3:16). If we believe God (not just believe in Him) then we know these things are already true. We don't need the feelings to confirm it. Certainly those feelings are nice...even beautiful and powerful...but we don't need them in order to be assured about our relationship with God. He has given us more than that.
If we reach out...if we are faithful in spending time with Him...regardless of how that time feels to us...then we can know beyond a doubt that He is pleased...and we are transformed for the better because of it. God's love and grace and mercy and protection is constant. It doesn't change on a whim...it can't be altered by a circumstance.
In the end, we just gotta have faith. And at least as God has shown me...having faith isn't about feeling something....it's about doing something.
For better or worse (and often for worse), our feelings are easily manipulated. They come and go and are tossed about like a buoy on the ocean. I mean just think of how easily a good mood can disappear. Imagine you wake up feeling good about the day...glad to be alive...with thanksgiving for all your blessings just rolling off your tongue. Then imagine you get in your car and head for work. Someone cuts you off on the highway, you jerk your car to avoid an accident and your coffee splashes over the edge and gets all over your cup holder and surrounding console. Then, when you finally get to work, the closest available parking place is all the way at the end of the parking lot....and it's already over 90 degrees outside. On the way into your office you say to yourself...well this is starting out to be a crappy day...and presto...you are in a bad mood.
Maybe that example seems a bit contrived, but haven't we all experienced how quickly we can switch from happy to mad? Or flipping it around...haven't we all experienced the power of an unexpected and heartfelt compliment to brighten our mood..and maybe even make our whole day better?
The point is that our feelings are molded and shaped, pushed and pulled, enhanced and diminished by a variety of unending influences....and THAT makes them unreliable. Are you any less blessed because someone cuts you off while driving or because you spill coffee in your car? Are you not the same person with the same appearance and the same talents regardless of whether someone unexpectedly compliments you?
The truth is feelings are good...and they can be helpful...but they are not the end goal. We want to be healthy...not just feel good. We want to be secure...not just feel safe. We want to be loved (by someone's actions)...not just feel loved. Feelings are a bonus...they are a byproduct...a happy consequence...but they are not what we really desire...or at least not what we really should desire.
And this applies to our relationship with God. Of course we want to feel close to God...we want to feel His love. But ultimately isn't the most important thing that we actually are close to Him...regardless of whether we feel it or not? And isn't the ultimate gift that He does love us....regardless of whether we feel that love at any particular moment in time? As one of my favorite authors asked so pointedly: Would you rather say a prayer that pleases you or that pleases God? The answer is, I expect, obvious to all of us.
But of course this is all nice in theory...the challenge comes putting it into practice. Believe me...I know! I find it terribly difficult to pray when my mind is wanting to wander and I keep getting distracted by random, often insignificant, thoughts. I really struggle with how to push through these moments...or periods...of seemingly dry...ineffective...unrewarding prayer. What's the point...I ask myself. How is this doing anyone any good...myself or God? But I'm realizing that is exactly what the Enemy wants me to think. He wants me focused on the feelings. He wants me focused on the gift...not the giver. He wants me to re-write Scripture (just like it did for Eve in the Garden of Eden) and conclude that faith is the assurance of things received and the conviction of feelings I have felt. And so I have to force myself to remember the truth:
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.Hebrews 11:1
If I truly believe in God...if I truly trust Him...then my feelings shouldn't matter. After all, He tells us that if we pray...He hears us (1 John 5:14). He explicitly asks us to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). He both tells us and shows us that He loves us (John 3:16). If we believe God (not just believe in Him) then we know these things are already true. We don't need the feelings to confirm it. Certainly those feelings are nice...even beautiful and powerful...but we don't need them in order to be assured about our relationship with God. He has given us more than that.
If we reach out...if we are faithful in spending time with Him...regardless of how that time feels to us...then we can know beyond a doubt that He is pleased...and we are transformed for the better because of it. God's love and grace and mercy and protection is constant. It doesn't change on a whim...it can't be altered by a circumstance.
In the end, we just gotta have faith. And at least as God has shown me...having faith isn't about feeling something....it's about doing something.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Live Like You Were Dying...for Others!
If you had asked me a week ago what the secret of life was...I would have told you to "live like you were dying." It seemed to me that the real "trick" to life was to always believe this could be your last moment...the last time you'd be with a particular person or the last time you'd be at a particular place...and so you had to seize the opportunity....say what you really want to say...do what you really want to do...and not put anything off...leave no regrets. I truly believed that to really live we had to be continuously aware of the significance of each moment...of how valuable each second of our lives really was...and I had to keep that in the forefront of my mind. This is what I believed. And so I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to really be in a particular moment. I felt like I needed to be hyper-aware of what was going on....of the preciousness of each moment. I had to truly appreciate where I was and who I was with...and then save that moment in time...by making it incredible.
To put it mildly, I was giving myself a tall order. And as you can probably imagine...I never really figured out how to do it. It seemed the more I focused on the importance of the moment...the more I missed the actual moment. I mean I would gear myself up for some event...tell myself over and over that I had to pay attention...I had to stay focused and be in the moment...wherever I was. Somehow I had to appreciate the gift of this time with this person or these people. But inevitably, no matter how hard I tried to remain cognizant of the moment, I'd find myself after the event, thinking about how fast the time went...and how it didn't seem quite memorable enough...or how I wasn't really as "there" as I needed to be. And I would walk away feeling like there went another missed opportunity...a missed moment.
The whole thing kind of reminds me of that scene in Spaceballs where they wind up watching the movie Spaceballs in the movie and eventually (after fast forwarding) catch up to where they currently are in the movie.
I really started doubting whether it was even possible to really be present in the moment on a consistent basis. I mean certainly there are times in our life when something gets etched in our minds....when something makes such an impression that we will never forget it...and usually those are moments when we were truly IN the moment (for better or worse) and we weren't really conscious of anything else in the world. But those times are rare and natural. They can't be contrived. No, it seems to me that normally we are moving through time so quickly that all we can do is look back.
But then the other day I think God rescued me from this misguided "wisdom." You see, it hit me that while I can't seem to remain self-consciously present in each moment...I can do some good...and I can be present for someone else. And there it was. I had been so preoccupied with what I thought the moment (or my being in the moment) should be for me...that I lost sight of one of the most important things in life...and more importantly in Love: we are not here for ourselves, but for God...and for others.
As I started working through this new idea...tossing it around in my head...I realized how very doable it is. While it may be true that I can't remain super aware of the meaning and significance of each moment while I am in it...and therefore am not really appreciating and valuing each moment as if it was my last...I can think about what the person or people I am with at each moment need...and then I can do what I can to meet that need.
Maybe sometimes this means lending a hand to help them accomplish some task...or at other times it may mean offering an encouraging word or sharing some piece of my own experience to help them make sense of something that is happening in their lives. But often...and maybe most of the time...it probably just means listening...validating who they are...letting them see and feel that they are worthy of attention...that their story and experience matters. Whatever form it may take...it means loving the people who are with you in each moment.
Sure sometimes this will mean sacrifice...it will mean humbling yourself...maybe forgoing your own story or experience. It may mean giving up some of your own time and the plans you had for it. It may mean pushing your body a little harder...skipping that extra sleep you thought you needed or settling for a less splendid meal. In short it may mean dying to self.
And so maybe I didn't have it all wrong. Maybe the secret to life still is to "live like you were dying"...only there's a bit more to it. The dying we do...the self that we crucify...is not for our own sake...but rather for the sake of others. We are to seize the day...but not for ourselves...we are to seize it for others. I believe God does want us to be in each moment (after all life IS a precious gift)...but He wants us to be in each moment so that we can make it better for others....not for ourselves. In short, I guess I almost had it right. We ARE suppose to live like we are dying....but we are suppose to live like we are dying for others!
Thank you Father for opening my eyes...for freeing me from the frustration of my imperfect reasoning...and for showing me continually how to live. Help me to bring Your love into each moment...and help me to make each moment better for those around me...no matter the cost.
To put it mildly, I was giving myself a tall order. And as you can probably imagine...I never really figured out how to do it. It seemed the more I focused on the importance of the moment...the more I missed the actual moment. I mean I would gear myself up for some event...tell myself over and over that I had to pay attention...I had to stay focused and be in the moment...wherever I was. Somehow I had to appreciate the gift of this time with this person or these people. But inevitably, no matter how hard I tried to remain cognizant of the moment, I'd find myself after the event, thinking about how fast the time went...and how it didn't seem quite memorable enough...or how I wasn't really as "there" as I needed to be. And I would walk away feeling like there went another missed opportunity...a missed moment.
The whole thing kind of reminds me of that scene in Spaceballs where they wind up watching the movie Spaceballs in the movie and eventually (after fast forwarding) catch up to where they currently are in the movie.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
I really started doubting whether it was even possible to really be present in the moment on a consistent basis. I mean certainly there are times in our life when something gets etched in our minds....when something makes such an impression that we will never forget it...and usually those are moments when we were truly IN the moment (for better or worse) and we weren't really conscious of anything else in the world. But those times are rare and natural. They can't be contrived. No, it seems to me that normally we are moving through time so quickly that all we can do is look back.
But then the other day I think God rescued me from this misguided "wisdom." You see, it hit me that while I can't seem to remain self-consciously present in each moment...I can do some good...and I can be present for someone else. And there it was. I had been so preoccupied with what I thought the moment (or my being in the moment) should be for me...that I lost sight of one of the most important things in life...and more importantly in Love: we are not here for ourselves, but for God...and for others.
As I started working through this new idea...tossing it around in my head...I realized how very doable it is. While it may be true that I can't remain super aware of the meaning and significance of each moment while I am in it...and therefore am not really appreciating and valuing each moment as if it was my last...I can think about what the person or people I am with at each moment need...and then I can do what I can to meet that need.
Maybe sometimes this means lending a hand to help them accomplish some task...or at other times it may mean offering an encouraging word or sharing some piece of my own experience to help them make sense of something that is happening in their lives. But often...and maybe most of the time...it probably just means listening...validating who they are...letting them see and feel that they are worthy of attention...that their story and experience matters. Whatever form it may take...it means loving the people who are with you in each moment.
Sure sometimes this will mean sacrifice...it will mean humbling yourself...maybe forgoing your own story or experience. It may mean giving up some of your own time and the plans you had for it. It may mean pushing your body a little harder...skipping that extra sleep you thought you needed or settling for a less splendid meal. In short it may mean dying to self.
And so maybe I didn't have it all wrong. Maybe the secret to life still is to "live like you were dying"...only there's a bit more to it. The dying we do...the self that we crucify...is not for our own sake...but rather for the sake of others. We are to seize the day...but not for ourselves...we are to seize it for others. I believe God does want us to be in each moment (after all life IS a precious gift)...but He wants us to be in each moment so that we can make it better for others....not for ourselves. In short, I guess I almost had it right. We ARE suppose to live like we are dying....but we are suppose to live like we are dying for others!
Thank you Father for opening my eyes...for freeing me from the frustration of my imperfect reasoning...and for showing me continually how to live. Help me to bring Your love into each moment...and help me to make each moment better for those around me...no matter the cost.
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