When Worry Grips Us

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. Matthew 26:36-37

It is always a little surreal to me saying the Rosary during Christmas time, particularly the Sorrowful mysteries. There is something about pulling the Crucifixtion into the Nativity that seems wrong...jarring. But in truth, they are one and the same. Both are saving acts from our Creator. Their significance is eternally woven together. We shouldn't see one without the other.

Besides, there is so much to learn from Jesus...and about Jesus...through His Passion. Take the passage above for instance. In just a few verses we learn at least two very practical things about Jesus...and about ourselves.

First, we learn that Jesus worried. He grieved and felt distressed. He knew what lie ahead for Him...and quite naturally...it upset Him...made Him anxious. How very human! And all the more testament to Paul's teaching:

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15

Second, we see that Jesus thought about the future. His mind wandered, just as ours does, out of the present moment and into the not yet formed future. So often it seems we are encouraged not to worry about tomorrow. To focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself....as if simply thinking about tomorrow...about what might be is wrong. And while no doubt Christ's words are Truth and Wisdom (Matthew 6:34), I think this very vulnerable moment in Jesus' life helps frame what He really means when He says not to worry about tomorrow.

Clearly Jesus worried (or grieved or was anxious or distressed)...and yet He was without sin. So that must mean that worrying...or maybe I should say feeling worried...is not sinful. In fact, I think we have to admit it is very human. It's in our nature. But where the real decision point comes...where the step toward or away from sin really happens...is in where we go from there....in what do we do next. And the answer to that, is found in the Garden.

And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." Matthew 26:39

AND

He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done." Matthew 26:42

AND

And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more. Matthew 26:44

Like so many aspects of our human nature, it is not our initial reaction which leads us to sin. For better or worse, we are the creatures we are...at least at this level...the level most similar to animals' "instinct". No...the decision point...the thing that determines if we take another step toward being a heavenly creature or a hellish creature (to borrow from C.S. Lewis)...is what we do after that initial reaction...what we do next. And thankfully, Jesus made it abundantly clear what we are supposed to do next. Whenever we are worried, or anxious, or grieved, or distressed, we need to go to God in prayer. We need to seek Him. We need to acknowledge His sovereignty and our weakness. When we need peace...we must go to the source of all Peace. And then...we need to let go of our worries and trust Him. Sometimes this takes work....sometimes it takes time. Jesus prayed three separate times before He completely exorcised His anxiety...His distress. So we must expect that there will be times when we will need to go back to God in prayer again...and again...and again. But if we go to Him faithfully...honestly...openly...humbly...and if we truly desire to abandon our worries and fears and instead trust Him...then Jesus teaches us...God will answer (http://www.biblestudytools.com/nas/luke/22-43.html)!

Occupying My Street

So the other day a good friend of mine was trying to help me understand the motives and endgoal of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Since I tend not to watch the news, I had only a general sense of what was going on and what this protest was all about. But as he explained to me the injustice of corporate greed and unjust labor practices and the importance of government intervention, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering away from the details of this particular situation and asking...where is the mercy...where is the grace...where is the humility?

It seems like everywhere I look, we are becoming people who blame rather than seek reconciliation...who avoid accountability rather than accept responsibility...who expect others to make things right rather than do the work to make ourselves right. I see it everywhere from for-profit companies to non-profit organizations and from checkout lines to church parking lots. And yes, I see it in the Occupy Wall Street movement and in the talking heads that debate (and report on) the movement. But the irony of it all, is that I see it in the mirror too.

Of course, like so many things, we were warned that this would happen. The Author of life new all too well the inevitable consequences of sin in our lives:

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power. (2 Timothy 3:1-5a)

Keep in mind the above is not end-of-the-world, Armageddon hype....this is just human nature. This is in all of us...in small ways if not big ways. This is who we are left unchecked...left to our own devices. And so that's why I think the world (and Wall Street) would be infinitely better if before we started blaming others for the injustice we see around us (or that is leveled against us), we first look in ourselves...look our lives...and root out the arrogance and selfishness and greed in ourselves. I'm not sure any of us can really claim to be that different from those we so quickly identify as evil. Even my friend acknowledged during our conversation that eventually sin (though he didn't call it that per say) wins out...the goodwill we muster deteriorates...corruption begins anew within.

And therefore the solution can't be...at least not in the long term...to force (whether by government law or violence) everyone else to behave better. That is just a band-aid...because eventually a new injustice will rear its head because left unchecked, selfishness corrupts. No...the solution has to be for each individual to accept responsibility for making themselves behave better. That is our only chance of true, lasting revolution. But I know many would quickly describe this as being pollyannaish. Certainly not everyone will do this...or could do it. And maybe that's true...but I think we have to look at the real reason most won't commit to this sort of self-protest...and that's because it's hard...and requires sacrifice...and it means the denial of self...of self-interests. It means letting go of what we want. It means putting others ahead of ourselves. And it may mean...at least in the short-term...living with injustice...allowing ourselves to be treated unjustly. This kind of self-examination...and self-transformation...is painful...but it is powerful.

And so, much to the chagrin of my friend, the takeaways from our talk were less about the evils of Wall Street, corporate greed, and government corruption (which of course I think are all wrong indeed), but more a reminder of how easily we all find it to blame others, to expect others to fix things for us, and to generally expect the world to change with the least possible pain for ourselves. I see all this in myself. When I forget something important I was suppose to do, it was because someone didn't remind me. When someone at work makes a mistake, they need to fix it. When I see a behavior in my wife that annoys me or even hurts me, I demand that she change. None of these things are my fault...so that means changing the situation is someone else's responsibility.

But...I know there are things I can do...things I should do. I need to take the time to make lists and write myself reminders when I know there is something I can't forget to do. I need to understand that my colleagues have a mountain of things "to-do" too, and so I can show some mercy when a document comes back to me needing edits and just make them myself. And when I see a behavior in my wife that annoys or hurts me, yes I can talk to her about it, but before that I need to do the internal work of understanding why it annoys or hurts me and what I can do to view this behavior differently and/or react differently. You see, we all have a great power at our disposal...the power to choose how we behave...how we think...and how we see those around us. We are not helpless to change the situations we find ourselves in...it's just that often the change has to come from us and we don't like that...because change hurts.

In the end, I get that Occupy Wall Street is about broad, big picture change...and we need to fight for things that are right and fight injustice...but I just think that before we go off to battle Wall Street, we should probably spend some time occupying our own internal street and seeing what evils we can root out there. It will hurt a little more and it will take a little longer, but in the end, we just might have that better society we all say we want.

Stop...and Pray

I have a hard time praying. Or at least I have a hard time making time to pray. And no wonder it's hard...if the only way I think I will have time is by "making" time. Not sure anyone has figured out how to do that yet. I guess it is more accurate to say that there doesn't seem to be enough time....with all the other things I have to do. Despite my best intentions, it seems there is always something pressing that I "have" to do right at the time I've earmarked for prayer. And on one level, these other things are important...things like work, household chores, spending time with family, etc. But on the other hand, if I truly believe that prayer is talking to the very Creator of the universe...and more importantly that prayer is actually a conversation where the very creator of the universe talks to me...then how can anything be more important?

No...I think the truth...the real truth...is not that there isn't enough time, but rather that I choose to use my time for other things. And once I recognize that....I just think...what the heck is wrong with me? Why would I not choose to spend time with God...my Creator...my Savior...my Father?

Now I do talk to God a fair amount, I think. Slowly over the years, and largely unconsciously, I have redirected my natural tendency to talk to myself so that I address Him instead. So throughout the day I say things in my head (and sometimes out loud) to God. Things like: "Wow I blew that one, God" or "Thanks for that God" or "Please help me figure this out" or "Father please be with that person." And I am thankful for this...really I am. It feels good to have Him so close...or rather to recognize He IS so close. But I don't want to use this as a copout for not doing the harder more serious type of prayer. I've heard people almost boast about this type of prayer....where they don't have a prayer time...they just are always talking to God. And I certainly don't want to presume to know the hearts of these people...and certainly Brother Lawrence has shown us that such constant communication with God is not only possible, but obtainable by us all. So again it is a wonderful thing if you can develop this constant prayer stream in your life. BUT, I think there is a fundamental problem with my "talking to myself" version of prayer. The conversation goes only one way.

I mean it's obvious, but I so easily forget it....or maybe I intentionally dodge it. But any real relationship needs communication to flow in both directions. And that's certainly what God desires...He wants a relationship with us. And so it isn't enough that He hears us....but we have to hear Him too. And actually, I think most would agree that we probably need to hear Him more than He needs to hear us.

And maybe that is at the heart of my problem....of why I "choose" to do other things instead of carving out a few minutes to stop and just pray. I have no doubt that if I stop long enough to get quiet....to clear my mind as best I can...and to just listen to God speaking in me...in my soul...there will likely be some hard things to hear. I am sure there will be conviction...for so many of the sins that I gloss over and try to ignore...and guilt...for we need to feel the sadness and regret of our sin in order to propel ourselves toward repentance. And let's be honest...who wants to hear that? But aside from the fact that I NEED to hear those things...if I hide or even run from that encounter with God...if I plug my ears to His voice...then I'll also miss His words of Love...and Forgiveness...and Acceptance. I'll miss out on His Guidance...on His Wisdom. I'll miss out on the very thing that I was created to experience...communion with God. In short, if I don't take time...deliberate...focused...uninterrupted time...to pray to...and hear God...then I will miss out. And I am missing out!

But it's hard to be quiet...it's hard to stop. There is so much going on all the time. But I need to stop myself physically...and I need to stop myself mentally (which is often the bigger battle). Because what I'm missing when I don't pray is far too important. In fact, one could say it's everything!